Update: Life

There is a weird feeling of momentum in my life at the moment which I can only describe as a whirlpool or tornado... because I don't know if it is moving up or down, or even what the difference is, it just feels like things in my life are being drawn in and sucked away with amazing force, all the while spinning at such speeds that I'm left disoriented and dizzy. Conversely it also feels like this is all happening in slow motion, which you would think would make it easier to grasp and understand, but really only adds confusion by allowing me time to over analyze everything whipping around my head to the point of overwhelming upset.

Now that I have that thought out, what the hell does it mean? Beside the fact that I need to start seeing a therapist again. Sad story, my therapist, whose time I spent with I valued incredibly, left UC Davis very suddenly, and left me in a state of mental debility that I need to correct asap. Ok, aside from that, back to the whirlpool...

I'm not sure when this churning started, but I want to say it was back in the spring when my health started giving me problems, and my treatments changed. I was is in a great deal of pain, incredibly weak, and as a result became extremely overwrought by school. I spent most of my summer playing catch-up. Not only with school work, but with doctors, and my health regiment that I had been neglecting. On top of that I moved, again.

But I am a notorious procrastinator, and now here I am, at the end of summer, feeling once again, the impending crush of over extension. Now there are parts of this I know I can control, but there is another factor to this momentum, that has not been in my control. My health, I have accepted is ultimately out of my hands. I can make the choice to receive treatment, but how the disease responds to it is something I have no way of anticipating, except to be hopeful and optimistic. Another factor seems to be people, and the insertion and expulsion of people into and from my life. People who have been there in a small part all along are suddenly taking a huge presence, where others whom I thought would be there unquestionably are fading away inexplicably.

Things are also happening creatively, and putting me in the position, once again, of not knowing what direction my life is headed when it comes to career, and even my physical location in the world.

I mentioned that I moved. I am still in Sacramento, and will remain here until I graduate, but I am feeling the restlessness of wanting to be somewhere else. I don't know why it is that I can't sit still. Sacramento seems to have an up and coming cultural city scene that could benefit from a flux of artists, and being part of that could be exciting. But there's this part of me that doesn't want to be a big fish in a small pond (there's this other part of me that is delusional, and thinks that I'm something more than just a guppy in fish bowl.) It's the part that keeps me driven with the belief that I'm meant to do something big. There is also a part of me that thrives from challenge, and has to take the most difficult path that lay ahead.

So far this has been an out pouring of crap from my head that I'm not entirely sure makes any sense, even to me. As a summation, here are some of the things that are going on in my life, without the over analyzing, that I previously applied.

I start back to school this week, and I'm glad, because I think my mind will actually be a lot more clear once it has something occupying its focus again. I just celebrated my 31st b-day, and though I treasure birthdays with a different kind of relish these days, it was low-key, and kinda perfect. One of my gifts was, so incredibly generous, a trip to Paris, which I just booked for December!

There has been a recent out reach from people, much like when I needed help with my animals, and people seemed to step-up outta nowhere to help, but this time it has been to offer me a place to live. I moved into the house of UC Davis faculty members, but have also been offered accommodation from friends, and even a nurse from the Cancer Center, all without any solicitation. Also, one of my doctors has offered me the opportunity to do a film project. The details and general scope of this project are yet to be determined, but just the fact that, out of nowhere, she propositioned me with this opportunity, blew me away.

So anyway, momentum. Things are moving. Good. Bad. New. Uncertain. Exciting. Life, to be continued...