Ok, so things are a little better now. I decided I would sacrifice not feeling nauseous for a bit, in order to find out if any of my medications were the cause of my funk. I had been taking a strong antiemitic as much and as often as was prescribe, to preventatively treat nausea. It worked, wasn't nauseous at all... but I had headaches, no energy, felt spacey. I felt water-logged, and when I would lay on my side it felt like all the water would settle to that side, and then when I moved it was like a tidal wave from one side to the other, or if I stood up, watch out, cuz chances were I was gonna lose my balance. So I decided, to not take the prescribed medicine, and if I started to feel sick, I would take some ginger instead. Low and behold, I started feeling better, and when I start to feel a little queasy, the ginger seems to do the trick! Though, note to self: don't clean up dog puke while trying to combat nausea, yourself.
So aside from my just feeling out-of-it that's been bothering me, is my complete lack of inspiration. I feel all I have to write about is a technical report of my health, I might as well just scan in the "visit summary" reports from my doctor visits, and post those.
Truth is, I think I'm avoiding certain thoughts, and feelings in the hopes that I will get answers to them soon, or they will just go away. My vision has not improved. The implications of this are so overwhelming, I can barely stand to think about it. And I don't even think about the health implications first. What will that mean for going to grad school in the fall? If I can't go to grad school, where will that put me in terms of career, living situation, life? I've tried avoiding this topic, but I can't, it's always there, every time I open my eyes, and see two images where there should be one. And the only thing I can do at this point is wait. And what does that mean, in regards to what's going on in my head? Did the radiation not do anything? Again, I just have to wait.
I've also started having emotions, facing realizations, that I haven't encountered thus far on this journey. When my friends that came to see me over the weekend were leaving, and we were saying our goodbyes, I was completely overcome with the feeling that this could be the last time I would ever see them. Now I don't think I'm gonna die tomorrow, or I should say, I don't think cancer is going to kill me tomorrow, but it really hit me for the first time, that this could, and very likely will kill me at some point.
I am hopeful, and optimistic, and positive, and all those things you are supposed to be, but I have to listen to my doctors, and trust them. They are helping to keep me alive, if it wasn't for them I would already be dead. But part of what they tell me is that I will never be cancer free, the best we can hope for is just to stay a step ahead of it for as long as we can, and that could be for years. That's all they've said. Well, the 2 year mark is coming up in June... so technically speaking, they've already kept me alive for "years". And at the moment, we are NOT a step ahead, we are running after it, grasping at it's coat tails.
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HEAVY!
ReplyDeleteOK, you need to kick that lack of inspiration notion to the curb. Your writing is so captivating and I don't care what anybody says-all art is what we know, what we are living, and it just so happens that what you are living is that tidal wave you so eloquently described.
It's hard to console you in terms of worrying about grad school and life plans. You're probably over people telling you to concentrate on your health- I think you're kind of a pro at that by now. But in my limited life experiences I've found it has served me well to deal with the matter at hand. The rest can wait until the time is right. You are one of the most talented people I know (and I know lots!) That will always be who you are.
In the meantime, like you said, listen to your body. Eat, puppy snuggle, write out your symptoms, cry, sleep, read, watch TV, sit in the sun, buy a horse. And if you want to ponder the whys and the what fors and whens then do that too- but not without a puppy close at hand! You are mucho loved, Kourtney.